Harry Potter Torture Chamber
by Skitz Llama
Summary: Okies...title explains all..nasty twists so beware! pretty funny though
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: You know who owns what....  
  
Harry Potter Torture Chamber...  
  
  
  
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Dan cackled. They're Limosuine pulled up in front of Hogwarts.  
  
"WE ARE GONNA ROCK! DJ! CAUSE IT'S MAKING ME FEEL SO RIGHT!" Jen, yelled as she stepped out of the car. What do you get when you hook up An Insane Weirdo Aussie and A Hyper Jackanini American. YOU GET, LOSERS UNITED!  
  
"No actually, you get LUZARS UNITED! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dan said matter-of- factly. They opened the gates to Hogwarts and immedietly got walloped by the tree that bashes people. A.k.a, The whomping willow.  
  
"Ow...god, Lupin's gotta get his priorites sorted. Goin' all crazy so they have to plant a crazy tree here..." Jen muttered, rubbing her head.  
  
"What? Im no tree!" Dan said puzzedley. They stood up and picked up a bag that magically appeared from no where...a.k.a Dan's hair.  
  
"Ok!" Jen said. "You got the feather?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Scissors?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Britney Spears tape?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Conditioner?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Platform Shoes?"  
  
"CHECK! ALREADY!" Dan put the bag down and rubbed her bruise from where they tree walloped her. "I think we've got everything!"  
  
"You got the Jenny Craig number, Comb and brush, hair dye, liposuction machine, black lingerie, Legolas Greenleaf, fire extingnisher, bottomless hole, garlic and erm...thats about it." Jen ticked off her list. She started walking towards the castle while Dan looked in the bag for everything. She ran to catch up as they opened the castle doors. It was Halloween and nobody was out and about in the castle.  
  
"When are we going to start?" Dan said looking around.  
  
"Riiiiigghhhhhhtttt...about.................now!" And with that they burst into the hall. A tape-player from the middle of No-where (a.k.a, Dan's mouth) appeared and Britney Spears blared out through the speakers.  
  
"OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN! I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THIS GAME!" Britney sung. Dan and Jen had on ear-muffs but everybody was screaming and pawing at thier ears. Jen raised her hands and the music went off.  
  
"I SAID! WE ARE THE LUZARS UNITED DONT HATE OR KILL OR WHINE! WE'VE SUMMONED UP TOGETHER AND OUR NAMES ARE UNDEFINED! WE'RE HERE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH A LOT, AND CRY A LOT AND SMILE! AND WATCH OUT FOR DAN! SHE'LL BE HERE FOR A WHILE! *grins* AND IN CLOSING TO THIS BORING SONG...LA LA LA LA LA! WE'LL BE HERE LIKE IT OR NOT SO BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!" The nong-nong's cheered, somehow turning it into a danze like the one from Bring it On.  
  
"EVERYBODY! LINE UP, AND GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSES!" Dan screamed.  
  
"Uh oh." came a distinct mutter from Harry.  
  
"Shut up, foureyes." Jen snapped. 


	2. Snape and the greasiness of hair

A/N: Now, I'm sposed to be co-writing this, but not really..anyways..enjoy!  
  
Disclamier: Ok, im gonna stop writing these things from now on.  
  
"So, Jen, where do you wanna start?" Dan asked gazing at the empty hall.  
  
"I think..the teachers! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jen stopped laughing and pointed towards the staff room. Dan and Jen creeped along the corridor and peered inside.  
  
"I believe that they are sorcerors!" Professor Flitwick squeaked.  
  
"Or murderers." Hagrid growled. "'Prolly tryin' to do poor 'Arry in. workin' for you-know-who!"  
  
"They are none of those things." Professor Trelawney whispered in her misty voice. And at that moment Dan and Jen kicked the door down and put the'r hands on their hips. The teachers all screamed.  
  
"YOU EVIL PEOPLE!" Professor Sprout screamed and fainted.  
  
"'Course not, silly, we are TORTUROUS PEOPLE! That form Luzars United." Dan said nodding.  
  
"Indeed? What is your buisness at Hogwarts then, torturous ones?" Dumbledore said.  
  
"DUH! HULLO! are you alive! its in the name...Torturous ones..TORTURE!" Jen screamed.  
  
"Yes, we are going to torture you..yes..thats right..anyhoo...LINE UP BEHIND SNAPE!" Said Dan.  
  
"Why me first?" He cowered.  
  
"Cause, we are going by state of greasiness hair.* Jen stated. "NOW LIE DOWN IN OUR metal BED!" Snape, cowering, thought it was best to follow their orders. (Much Unlike Snape, i know).  
  
"Jen..WHERE IS OUR BOTTOMLESS BAG!?" Dan shouted. "WE CANT TORTURE WITHOUT OUR BOTTOMLESS BAG!"  
  
"Try, the bottomless hole..." Jen murmured. Dan was frantic. She found OUR BOTTOMLESS BAG under hte floorboard. -.- She rounded on Snape who was lying shaking on the metal bed. Dan crept up close to the bed.  
  
"AHEM!" She said and she clicked her fingers. The bed was several inches higher than she was. In automatic motion the bed magically moved down. Jen grabbed a bowl of icy water and but two bottles of shampoo and conditoner on the bench near the bed.  
  
"Scared, are we, Snape? I think you and Aragron outta get together!" Dan cackled and with that, Jen lifted up Snapes head and put it in the bowl of icy water.  
  
"Ewwwwwwwwww, it's all slimy like!" Jen squealed and ran out of the room looking for a tap. All sorts of gross things came out of Snape's hair..bugs, tennis balls, putty, mud, a broomstick, harry's glasses, a book on how to keep your hair greasy..it was foul.  
  
"This guy has more stuff in his hair than me.." Dan muttered to Jen as she came toddling back into the room. Dan and Jne picked up a bottle of Shampoo each.  
  
"Ready?" Dan asked.  
  
"Yep." Came the reply.  
  
"One."  
  
"Two."  
  
"THREE!" They shouted together and poured masses of Loreal Shampoo into his hair. Jen grabbed Mcgonagalls wand and stirred Snapes hair with it.  
  
"OUCH! YOUR PULLING YOU HYPER JACKININI AMERICAN!" Snape screeched.  
  
"Shut up, dude." Jen continued stirring. Dan walked out of the room and came back with a hose and a tap. She stuck the tap in the ground and turned the tab on. Ice cold water spurted out of the tap and she sprayed it in Snape's face.  
  
"BWAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" She cried, as jen poured on the Conditioner. Snape's hair was officially clean. Dan plugged in the hair dryer and blow dryed Snapes hair DRY!  
  
"And now for the bonus..." Jen cackled.  
  
"What?!" Snape screamed. "HAVING MY HAIR DEGREASED IS BAD ENOUGH!" He yelled between sobs.  
  
"So? We have to STYLE it now..." Dan said and she pulled the scissors and razor out of OUR BOTTOMLESS BAG. She handed a pair of scissors to Jen and they began. After endless trimming and shaving Snape ended up looking like this. Pigtails with a giants shaved strip down the middle and no hair excpet for the pigtails. Dan handed Snape a mirror.  
  
"ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHLESS!" He screamed and ran out into the hallway all the way down to his office.  
  
"Consider yourself tortured. Now, who's next." They grinned evilly.  
  
A/N: Disturbing.. 


End file.
